My busy future!

I am your typical teen, and as I near graduation and college, my laid back days are becoming few and far between.

This summer is going to be one busy ride for me. I don't think my brain can even calculate how hard I will be working. I now have two jobs, I work part time as a Crew Trainer at the local McDonald's. Now, as the season of summer comes into play, I will be guarding the lives of young swimmers as they try to cool off during this hot summer. I must admit, up until now, I have had little to no self motivation. I feel weak. The hard times I have been going through haven't helped me get my head cleared up. I don't know what to do.

I will be flipping burgers like crazy as this busy summer season starts, and I will be getting a sunburn up in the "Big bad guard chair".

I am also working on getting ready for graduation this next year (as if you can be ready for graduation). I am nervous, wondering if I'll make it! Now, to top it all off, my dad found a college I would be able to afford.....cool right?! Well, in a way, yes. But in another way, it just shows me how much responsibility I am going to have in my court.

This will be worse than "regular life" cause I have never had so much responsibility as I will have this summer and next year with upcoming graduation.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better just to start my life over, with full knowledge of my "first try" and this time I would be prepared and nothing that happened to me will happen this time. How I wish I could do that! I know for sure I would have a relationship with my family that would be three times better than the one I have now, and none of my friends would have been hurt by my own stupidity and stubborn mind.

I praise God for saving me from myself, without him I would have given into my selfish impulses a long time ago, and would probably be in foster care. Yeah, I admit I am a selfish, proud person by nature, and at times these sides of me show through......I just wish they didn't cover up the one I am trying to shine through me with my life. I am not proud of myself......any more that is. I wish God would show me what will happen next, I feel like a kid who knows her parents are planning something for her birthday but she doesn't know what it is cause her parents are giving her the "silent treatment". I wonder what God thinks of me, is he proud of this child?! Is he proud of how she treats her earthly parents?! Does he think she still needs more work than is possible to put into one human being?! All this, and more goes through my mind all day and night, often times my mind is so full of questions, most of which I am afraid to ask about, that I don't get much sleep.

I think I now see myself as my parents and some of my closer friends see me, a selfish child who is too young for the mature world. That means marriage is way out of my league, right?! I don't even know why I long for marriage and a family, except for the fact I wish for love and care and serving that which is worth serving. But, I know very well I can be fulfilled in Christ, but he seems so far away since my trial, and its probably cause I haven't allowed him to help, thinking, "I can tough it out, I am good! "

I wonder at God's love, its so unlike any other love, if I was supposed to love someone like me, I would probably give up on myself! Why hasn't God given up?! The only answer is that he loves me more than any human ever could! It makes me cry to think, he really loves me, he is willing to die for me.....do I deserve this?! NO, I DON'T! After all of my mistakes, and sins, why is he so willing to throw them over the side, instead of rubbing it in my proud face, as I really deserve?! I pray God brings me to my senses, I need to be wise and understanding in order to live through this summer, and I don't feel nearly ready enough. God help me follow the path of the future you have lovingly and carefully laid at my feet. Walk with me God, into my future!